You are officially invited

I've always thought of myself as a pretty real person. But I've noticed there is this tendency among Christians to pretend like everything is always great, like if things were hard people would think God was punishing you for being a terrible Christian. And so everyone pretends, and no one talks about anything real, unless it's good. 

Here's the thing about good things. They're good, but good doesn't equal growth. You know where I have grown the most in my life, in the hard things. You know what I think really encourages people in their difficult walk, to know that someone else is struggling too. How good your life is, doesn't help me get through the tough stuff in mine. Honestly it makes me want to hit you.  But when I'm struggling with loving people who I genuinely hate, and you're sharing with me how you have struggled forgiving your abusive dad, I am encouraged, I am challenged, I am comforted.

So that's why my deepest desire is to create an environment within myself that is open, and vulnerable, and honest. I want to invite people into my mess of a past, into my mess of a life, because that's what makes people feel like they can be honest with their mess of a past, and their mess of a life. Honesty invites honesty and that's where growth happens. I want people to know I'm not holding anything back from them. I'm not ashamed of what I've done, or who I've been because I know I'm forgiven, and loved, and God is redeeming all of it.

If we are not honest with who we are, and what were struggling with, we can't grow. We can't grow because in a sense were not even admitting that something is wrong. God doesn't want us to carry these burdens alone. He wants us to lay them down. And when we confess the things we are struggling with it allows people to speak truth to us, encourage us, and build us up.

So I was going through an old journal and I found this and I wanted to share it with you. I wanted to share it with you because it's raw, it's honest, and it's dark. And what's crazy to me, it that I only wrote it a year ago.

"I've had this reoccurring thought that started at church. What if Jesus told me he was going to die for me? What If I watched him climb up to the cross. I would tell him to stop. I'd tell him to get down. I'd tell him it wasn't worth it. I would tell him I'd never be the person he wanted me to be, that I would fail over and over and over again. I'd tell him to die for someone else. That I don't deserve to be spared. That I could never love him as deeply as he loved me and that I would be a harlot to the things of this world. What is wrong with my heart?

I wish I could take the title of Christian off when I'm lost like this. So I don't lead other astray or give unbelievers a bad impression. Every time I go to church I cry. I cry because I know you love me. I cry because I know what you have for me is so much better. But I've chosen this and it feels like I'm stuck. I feel like I can't even pray because you don't hear the unrighteous person's prayer. Why should I ask anything from my Father when every day my life slaps him in the face. If I pray will you hear me? I don't even want to ask you for anything because I don't deserve it. Your grace is so good and you pour it on me abundantly and I wish you would stop and make me suffer because that's what I deserve. 

I'm sorry,
words empty without action.
I need you,
a statement powerful with understanding,
such weight."

Y'all that's where I was a year ago. And you know what.  Jesus didn't take back his work on the cross like I asked him to. God didn't abandon me like I thought he should. He didn't even give me the option to refuse his grace. He kept on giving. He kept on pursuing me, ME, this terrible messed up girl.

"Therefore, behold, I will allure her,

    and bring her into the wilderness,
    and speak tenderly to her.
15 And there I will give her her vineyards
    and make the Valley of Achor a door of hope"- Hosea 2:14-15

The word Achor means troubles.  He promised to turned my valley of troubles into a door of hope. That's what he has done. A year ago, I hated myself. I hated that I wasn't turning into this perfect christian girl like I thought I would. I believed in God and yet I was still struggling with sin. 

And you know what, one day I confessed it. I confessed it because I couldn't handle the weight of it anymore. One night I went into my bible study and bared it all. And you know what happened. No one looked at me in disgust. No one told me to pull it together. No one said I was wrong for struggling with those things. They just listened. And then once I got it all out, they shared. They shared about how they had been there, how some still were.

I remember Kay looked me right in the eyes and said, "Mikela, you can not hate sin on your own, that is the Holy Spirit inside of you that is hating that".

Your flesh loves sin. Until Jesus saved you, you didn't even know the things you were doing were wrong and you sure as heck didn't feel bad about them. That disgust, that hate, that frustration with sin, is the Holy Spirit in you. That alone is hope. And it reminds me, God is still right here with me. He hasn't given up on me, he is just trying to show me what I need to surrender. He's trying to show me that I wasn't made for sin, I was made for him. And so I can choose to walk in sin, but he wont let me stay there, I wont be able to be satisfied in it like I was before. And thank GOD for that. Seriously.

And you know sometimes I still feel like that girl from a year ago. I struggle with old sin and think, "what the heck, I thought we were passed this". I struggle with new sin and I think, "what the heck, why am I struggling with this". And its hard, and it sucks. But the Lord is faithful. He didn't give up on me then, and he is not giving up on me now. He's turning my valleys of trouble, sin, despair into a door of hope. 

So I want you to know, you are officially invited into my mess. B.Y.O.M.