Be Still

I am not a neat person. Seriously, ask anyone.

It's not that I am a complete mess and can't organize to save my life. It's just mess doesn't typically  bother me.

In fact, most of the time when I clean my room, it's really some twisted way of trying to clean up my life. What is going on externally suddenly becomes a picture of what's going on internally.

I seriously sometimes feel like if I'm going to get my life together, I have to start with my room. I know that sounds crazy. Every new start of a semester results in a clean room. And slowly as I get more overwhelmed in chaos, and stress, my room suddenly becomes a scene from hurricane Katrina.

A fresh start begins with a clean room.

For the first time ever seeing a mess stresses me out. I literally feel anxious when I go in the kitchen and it's dirty from last night's dinner. I've started this new thing where when confronted with clutter I quickly retreat into my clean room like a hermit crab.

I guess I just really want to get my act together this semester. I've set my priorities, made some pretty big decisions, and I'm just terrified of getting caught up in the crazy. The intentions are all there. I want to be organized, relaxed, carefree. While interning I had it all planned out. But now that I'm home and jobless I've come to this pretty clear revelation: I have no idea how to be still.

Which is ironic because "Be Still" was our motto during Rush week. A lesson I wanted so bad to learn I got a bracelet with the words engraved on it.

Here I am...being "still" and I hate it. I'm going insane. I already feel the desire to get caught back up in the chaos of work and school. I'm the type of person who waits till last minute to do projects, not because I'm lazy, but because I thrive under pressure. Well for a little while anyway. Because eventually after so much pressure you crack. And that's what always happens.

Clean room - new drive to start organized - get caught up in work - get behind in school - stress - tears

Then the cycle continues.

I've developed this sick relationship with stress. I know I should avoid it because I know how it ends...in a mess. I think this is why I suddenly cringe at the site of a mess. Mentally I know I don't want to go back there. But at the same time being still is KILLING me, I can't help but have his desire to be back in the chaos.

 But here is the deal: If I'm going to keep this "organized me" going. I will need to limit myself. Say no to more hours at work. Stay focused in school. And create time to "be still".

I think the reason why I'm still jobless is because God, as smart as he is, knows at this point I'm ready to jump right back into the cycle.

Meanwhile I'm relearning how to be still.