Looking Up?

This was my prayer which I guess I've been praying for almost 9 months. I make one final deposit and I will have officially paid for all of Honduras with my own money. It's a weird feeling. Knowing that now, there is nothing stopping me from going. Money was always the issue when I wanted to do things like this before. I honestly haven't even really though about what Honduras is going to be like.

I've been in such a pit.

Ever since my day with Joanne and Nephra didn't work out I can't help but feel spiritually lost. I mean it felt like things were working out TOO PERFECTLY not to be straight from God. But then it didn't work out at all. How could I be soo wrong about what God was calling me to do. I feel like if I was wrong then, how will I ever know when I'm right. I'm in a state of serious spiritual paralysis and I don't know how to pull out of it. I feel sooo low. So lost. So far. Now I feel like I can't figure out what God wants from me at all. I bought a new devotional called "Looking Up" by Beth Moore...aka my hero...and it's helping but I still don't feel like things are looking up.

I know my God is Faithful. I know my God has been Faithful. I know my God will be Faithful.

Why are such heights, followed by such lows.

Sometimes I feel like the devil is using this thing against me to keep me down. But I still can't get past this. Even with something as amazing as paying off my mission trip, I can't be excited. I'm just asking myself over and over "why am I here?"

"Since You are my Rock and my Fortress, for the sake of your name lead and guide me"

-Psalms 31:3