defeated

Well, Friday was suppose to be the big day. I had everything ready. As soon as I got out of school at 1:40 I immediately dialed Jo Ann's phone number. I went straight to voicemail.

"Not a big deal" I reassured myself.

I went to Mr.Detail and vaccumed out my car. I figured I might as well proceed as if she would have answered, because I didn't want to get caught off guard if she called me back. Then I went to Rudy's to get gas and see my mom. My mom wasn't at work and gas was super expensive. Then I start arguing with my mom on the phone about whether or not shell let me make dinner for Jo Ann and Nephra. She ends the argument with "Well its not like their answering your phone call anyway" to which I hang up and drive off in a fury. Well idiot me, left my gas cap on my car. I get on the beltway and all of a sudden I hear this rolling sound. Sure enough I look just in time to watch my gas cap roll off in my side view mirror.

I pull over and get out to look for my gas cap. As far as I know driving without it could lead to some catastrophic explosion I just don't have the will power to deal with. So I walk up and down the beltway, in what feels like 100 degree weather the way the sun is scorching my back. Frustrated and defeated I turn around to head back to my car when all of a sudden I spot my gas cap. In the middle of the road. Just as I was strategizing how to get to it, five consecutive cars run over it, and it bursts into thousands of little black pieces.

As my gas cap exploded and shattered into pieces, so did my spirit. I burst into tears, right there, standing on the side beltway. Of course, it wouldn't be the epitome of pathetic unless someone saw all of this. From somewhere behind me I hear the familiar call of my name. It's Hillary. She asks me whats wrong. I'm too defeated to answer. I just point to my car.

I get in my car, drive home, lay in bed in cry. Eventually I fell asleep. I decided it's better to go to sleep then to stay awake anxiously waiting for Jo Ann to call me back. I wake up around 630. She never called.

I don't blame them. It's not their fault. If anything, it was wrong of me to assume that they should fit into my schedule. That we were going to do "this" and "this" and "this" on my time, when their lives are so unstable.

I don't know how to put into words the emotions that brought me to tears. I was so sure this was what God wanted me to do. Everything fell into place so perfectly. I had never felt more sure about anything. I couldn't help but wonder, "was this all for no reason". No I did it for a reason. I had a reason. I felt like God led me to a dead end. It's hard not to feel like I did something wrong. I don't want to be someone who gets let down and then turns their back on God like an angry child. I don't want to be someone that Jesus calls of "so little faith". It's just hard not to feel all the enthusiasm sucked out of me. I just feel confused, uncertain. I guess I'm waiting to find out what the whole point of all this was. But right now I just feel...defeated.