"What if God just wants me to go to community college?"
The thought devastated me. Some of you might not understand 'what the big deal is'. I guess there are several reasons. First, I watched my older sister go to community college. She remained living at home and at 24 she is still in community college and still living at home. I promised myself that wouldn't be me. I wouldn't get suck here. I'd go to college. Not just anywhere, out of state too. Going into my sophomore year I discovered that if you were in the top 10% you could get into any college in Texas. This was my chance. If I just worked hard in school, I would be able to get accepted in a college.
That year I went from 197 in my class to 105. I joined newspaper and debate, joining anything that I thought might make me better, or earn me a scholarship. My junior year I enrolled in my first AP class. By second semester I was in 2 AP classes. I got accepted into NHS, Quill and Scroll, and Key Club. I won a lot of awards in both journalism and newspaper. There was no way I'd have go to community college.
I was so optimistic. I just felt like college was in my grasp. There was no doubt in my mind I wouldn't go. I worked so hard. So incredibly hard.
Now I feel like I see it slipping away. I'm realizing what my sister did when she changed her registration from Texas State to Lone Star. I can't pay for it. I'm not poor enough and I'm not rich enough. College costs money...and I don't have it. As I was in the shower I asked myself "What if God wanted me to go to community college?" The tears just poured forth. "He couldn't. He couldn't" I'm crying now, even as I'm typing this, because it's still such a hard reality for me to grasp. How could he ask me to go to community college? After I worked so hard, so hard.
Do I not believe God could still use me if i went to community college? No I know he can use all circumstances for his glory. Do I think that I need a degree to be useful to God? No of course not. Why does the thought upset me so much? Because I worked so hard. And so many people don't even care about college and they get to go, why can't I! Is it wrong for me to want to go?
We've been reading Jude, the Obscure. I feel like Jude. He wanted soooo bad to get accepted into the colleges at Christminster. But it didn't matter, because of his social status they didn't want him. He was shut out, and shut down. They said "it's best if you stay where you are". He wanted so bad to escape and go beyond his social class, he never had a chance. I feel like if someone was reading a book about my life they'd be discussing it in their English class saying "She never had a chance".
But God's decision hasn't been made yet. I'm learning to accept community college as an option. I have to keep telling myself God knows whats best.
"Depend on the Lord; Trust him, and he will take care of you"
Psalm 37:5
"I pray that the God of peace will give you everything you need so that you can do what he wants,"
Hebrews 13:20
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